On the decision to change, the courage to look in the mirror, and why inner work is the real leadership legacy.
This past weekend, I attended a celebration of life for my friend, Tim Kutzberger. I met Tim years ago in a Saturday morning men’s group. We were all dads who had arrived at the same uncomfortable realization: the best thing we could do for our families wasn’t to try to fix them, it was to fix ourselves. So that’s what we showed up to do, week after week.
This is where I met Tim. He had been around the program a bit longer and always had a warm smile, a beautiful story about his own journey, and a big hug for any dad willing to show up and do his own work.
One of the greatest gifts I received through raising my boys came from a friend who said to me:
“Stop trying to fix your son and fix yourself. Only then will he have the space he needs to truly heal.”
That single statement changed everything for me. And it raises the question I think about constantly:
Why do people decide to say yes to a transformational journey?
I’m not sure I would have if I hadn’t been prompted by my son’s path. Something had to shake me loose.
Why Leaders Choose to Change
At Tim’s celebration of life, his niece Jaclyn Naster stood up and blew me away. Here is what she said:
“One of my greatest interests in life is how and when people decide to change. I am fascinated by the moments when people make a decision: do I grow or do I shrink into myself?
The first question is when. When was that moment you realized you wanted to move forward versus collapse into yourself? I asked Tim once, ‘Can you remember the moment things changed?’ He shared that he didn’t remember the exact moment — more that it gradually evolved over time.
And he did share with me the why. Why did you decide to change? He shared that he wanted to improve his relationships with his children. He recognized that he was not proud of his behavior towards the people he loved. He admitted he was angry and took that out on the wrong people. I do know that his children were important enough to him that he wanted to heal the hurt that was caused.”
Jaclyn then shared something she’d seen on Instagram — words in quotation marks that read:
“I would die for my children.”
And underneath: Yes, but would you sit with your own pain and heal for them?
Read that again.
Not the dramatic, heroic gesture. And the quiet, unglamorous, deeply uncomfortable work of looking at yourself honestly and choosing to change. Not because it’s easy, but because the people you love deserve a healed version of you.
How Inner Work Transforms Leadership
Here’s what made Tim’s celebration so striking to me as someone who thinks about leadership every day: it wasn’t just his family who spoke. People he worked with flew in from around the country (even around the world) to honor him. A person who had reported to Tim. Someone Tim had reported to. Teammates from different seasons of his career. All saying the same thing in different ways: Tim changed the way I experienced work. Not because of what he said, but because of how he showed up.
Tim didn’t give a TED Talk on leadership. He didn’t write a bestselling book. He did something harder…he looked at himself honestly, did the work, and then showed up differently. And those people felt it. Deeply enough that years later, they stood in a room and wept for the man who had changed their lives simply by changing his own.
I’ve done a leadership exercise where you write your own eulogy, not as a morbid thought experiment, and more as a guiding force for how to live. Sitting in that room, I realized I was watching Tim’s eulogy lived out in real time. The words spoken about him weren’t about his title or his revenue numbers( which were impressive) but that wasn’t the main course. They were about how he made people feel. Who he became.
When leaders do their inner work, it doesn’t stay contained. It ripples through organizations. It changes how teams function, how people experience their work, and how they go home to their families at the end of the day. That room was living proof.
Why Self-Reflection Matters in Leadership
Jaclyn closed her speech with a thought that landed squarely on my chest. She referenced a line about some of us looking directly at the sun but never in the mirror. And then she said:
“At some point, Tim decided to stop avoiding himself and look directly in the mirror. And that, I believe, is the most noble thing we can do. Take accountability, do the work, and then watch how your life changes.”
I couldn’t agree more. And I’d add one thing: when you look in that mirror and decide to do the work, you don’t just change your own life. You change the lives of everyone in your orbit…your children, your team, your community, your organization.
Jaclyn finished with something that gave me chills:
“Tim gave me hope. He really did. Every time I look around this world and feel despair at all the hurt people that are hurting others, I am reminded that some people do change.”
Some people do change. And when they do, the world gets a little better.
The Leadership Question: What Is Your Why?
The decision to change may not always arrive as a single lightning bolt moment. Sometimes it’s gradual. Sometimes it evolves over time, just like it did for Tim. And it always starts with a willingness to look in the mirror.
Tim didn’t remember the exact moment things shifted. And he remembered why. And the why was enough to carry him through the rest of his life. A life that touched more people than he probably ever knew. A room full of people from every corner of his world made that clear.
When leaders change, heal, and become the best version of themselves, they become an elixir for healing the world. I’ve seen it in my own family. I saw it in that room this weekend. And I see it every time a leader says yes to the journey.
So ask yourself: What’s your why?
In loving memory of Tim Kutzberger, who made the world better by making himself better.
